Happy Mother’s Day

There have been, and will continue to be, a number of ‘firsts without mam’; first birthday, first Christmas and today, the first Mother’s Day without my mam. I may be fine, I may cry for 24 hours straight, I might talk out loud to her and giggle to myself or I might do all of…

Absolutely Mortal

A story of: Mortal – (of a living human being, often in contrast to a divine being) subject to death Mortal – Very drunk! Me and my sister (and probably my dad) have really been missing my mam over the past couple of weeks – good things we’ve wanted to tell her and gripes we would…

Reclaiming and Remaking

“They’ve found a lump” “It’s a tumor” “They say it’s rare” “It’s aggressive” “It’s spread” “It’s stopped working” I can’t really remember exactly when these words were spoken, by who, or where I was. They exist only in some fragmented soundtrack of the past year. What I do remember is being sat on my sofa,…

Happy New Year: Let’s not blame 2016.

I am part of the many who have had a horrific 2016. I lost my mam and with it I lost a part of me that I will never see again and have had to start the long and grueling journey of readjusting to this.  I was not ready for this. The shock in May,…

Happy Birthday Mam

Today is the 1st day of the 12th month in 2016. It is 24 days until Christmas. It is 55 days since my mam left us. It is also my mam’s birthday. She would have been 59. It is the 1st time in 28 years I have not given her a present. And I wish…

A Belated Ode to World Mental Health Day

Where to start? I’ve always encouraged those around me to talk openly and confide in me about their mental health; to ask someone ‘how are you today?’ and be ready to take on whatever the reply, to ask for help, to give help, and to be unashamed to say it out loud. And it is this…

A Eulogy: the thing you hope you’d never have to write

A tiny Methodist church in west Cumbria hosted a funeral for my Mam for over three times the expected amount of people. Here is the eulogy I wrote for this very popular woman, my Mam: — 1957. A year that could have passed as ‘uneventful’; it was quiet, calm, and with everything in its place….

A very merry unbirthday 

I started this blog on the day the alien came. Well yesterday the alien left. My mam, like the intergalactic warrior she has always been, took care of that; she took the alien on, fought a fight we couldn’t have and took it with her, and sent it to a galaxy far far away. Now…

Dad

Today my Mam passed away. Today is also my birthday. I don’t want to talk about either just now. Instead let me take you back to yesterday… As I sat eating my dippy egg and soldiers that my dad had woke me up with this morning (as he had done so many times in the…

Who Will I Be Afterwards?

Even in her hardest days, my Mam is still continuing to quietly give orders for what our family is to do in the future – buy matching mugs, get a dog, smaller car, sort out Christmas stockings, birthday presents, become property developers, change wallpaper, look after each other and be happy. Before the alien came,…

Faith

Sat in the doctors room and being told the alien was getting stronger and my mam was getting weaker was the day I lost all faith. I actually felt it rush out of my entire body, like a sponge being rung out or dust being blown off an old book. I was brought up Methodist…

I’m Allowing Myself to Grieve Already

As I walked to work this evening, with the dusky sky above me, the amber glow of the streetlights below and that crisp, but distinctly enjoyable, autumnal chill in the air, I sighed, and then smiled, and then I sighed again. Those seemingly insignificant, but beautiful moments are those I would always choose to share…