Spirit

Christmas was one of my mam’s favourite times of the year (even though she would start picking up presents for people in February) and it was no surprise because it epitomised everything that she was. She got to pick special gifts for people that would make them feel special, she could bake her infamous mince…

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Exactly two years ago today, my life irrefutably and permanently changed. My mam died. Exactly one year ago, I returned to Cumbria to mark the day. My Dad, my sister, my husband and me, went for tea and cake and for a meal. We also visited the grave. I was there for less than two minutes….

I’ve Never Done This Before

Over the last 2 years, I have lost count of the amount of times I have cried uncontrollably. Come somewhat accustomed to a fever-inducing shock which makes me forget how to breathe or how to walk. Learned the bittersweet incompleteness of all new life milestones. Taken more moments to be silent. Reacted to situations in…

Because of the NHS

I have so much to be thankful of the NHS for, so on it’s 70th birthday I think it apt to give it the hip-hip-hurray and cheer it deserves, because as a septuagenarian, with all the trials and tribulations it has faced in its lifetime…it’s still looking good! In fact it’s looking great…considering. I am…

Sometimes it gets harder

“It’ll get easier with time” is a sentence I’m sure we are all familiar with when it comes to loss; either had it said to us or been the one saying it. On the whole I agree. I don’t feel like my throat is closing up in the same way it did a year and…

Backbone

I am really missing my mam. So much right now. And it’s not the time of year. I’ve already done a Christmas without her – and it wasn’t horrific, yes I’d have preferred her to be there, but we still found some yuletide ‘comfort and joy’ in the day. And this year, I’m actually quite…

One Year On: Lost & Found

Exactly 1 year ago my mam passed away. It has been unbelievably tough, but also hard to fathom how I’ve gone for 365 days without hearing her voice, seeing her face, laughing at her stories or smelling her perfume whilst in one of her infamous hugs. When the alien beamed my mam up to an…

Growing Around Grief

So I haven’t written anything for a really long time. Pretty much because there’s nothing to report…well nothing major. And not a lot has happened. Well a lot has, but just everyday stuff. In a way that is what I have been focusing on; my new everyday. I’ve heard a number of horror stories from…

W.W.L.D?

W.W.L.D? acronym What Would Lorraine Do? I find myself asking this more and more….daily in fact. It feels like over the past few months my life has shifted gear somewhat, with a lot of stuff happening around me; I’m back to evenings and weekends of rehearsals and workshops, masters assessments, essay deadlines, people I need…

Happy Mother’s Day

There have been, and will continue to be, a number of ‘firsts without mam’; first birthday, first Christmas and today, the first Mother’s Day without my mam. I may be fine, I may cry for 24 hours straight, I might talk out loud to her and giggle to myself or I might do all of…

Absolutely Mortal

A story of: Mortal – (of a living human being, often in contrast to a divine being) subject to death Mortal – Very drunk! Me and my sister (and probably my dad) have really been missing my mam over the past couple of weeks – good things we’ve wanted to tell her and gripes we would…

Reclaiming and Remaking

“They’ve found a lump” “It’s a tumor” “They say it’s rare” “It’s aggressive” “It’s spread” “It’s stopped working” I can’t really remember exactly when these words were spoken, by who, or where I was. They exist only in some fragmented soundtrack of the past year. What I do remember is being sat on my sofa,…